THE LOOF LIRPA SNIFF: In a shocking revelation today Kaua`i County Council watchdog Glenn Mickens discovered all seven members of the Council in a satanic love tryst in the basement of the Historic County Building where they were photographed smearing each others naked bodes with the charred remain of the Charter and County Code during an unannounced “’very’ executive session”..
“I went down there to eat my liverwurst, kim chee and limburger sandwich and heard the faint chant of “All hail paternalism- secrecy forever” over and over.
“When I turned my head I smelled the usual corruption so I opened the door and there were Shaylene and Kaipo tearing pages from the Charter and County and State laws and handing them to Mel who burned them in a crucible with the County Seal and placed them into JoAnn’s marsupial pouch where she mixed the ashes into an eau-de-rich-haole-oil paste and piled the concoction on Tim’s mustache as he used Kaipo’s gavel to smear the last batch all over Jay and Ron’s lava-lava clad bodies as they composed zoning changes for 10,000 room resorts.”
New Police Chief Darryl Perry confiscated the photos and declined to investigate saying “these people trumped up all those charges against KC and Mike to make my appointment possible, so keep moving- nothin’ to see here.”
Meanwhile Prosecutor Craig DeCosta declined to prosecute saying “why should I start doing anything about this corruption now when I’ve turned my head for three and a half years while they figuratively did what they physically did today. I’m outta here in eight months anyway,” he added Let Shaylene take care or it before falling on the floor maniacally laughing and had to be taken away to Mahelona by state sheriffs who apparently had nothing else to do like process serving or evictions.
According to County Clerk Peter Nakamura, County Attorney Matthew “here come da Judge” Pyun rode in on Lani Nakazawa’s old broomstick to issue an official opinion saying the actions were legal however that opinion cannot be released without the express written approval of Major League Baseball and “he whose name may not be spoken”- thought to be Parks Department honcho Bernard Carvalho who was busy learning how to twiddling his thumbs. The document will be wrapped in Attorney General Mark Bennett’s bividees and buried in a time capsule until everyone forget or no one cares anymore.... which should be tomorrow.
Mayor Bryan Baptiste was not available for comment because his head was stuck in a pile of short ribs and gravy.
County spokeswoman Mary Daubert was available for comment but .her head was spinning too fast for anyone to understand what she was saying.
Mickens lunch was lost- and not for the first time.