A TOUCH OF TUSH

A TOUCH OF TUSH: By now most people have heard about the new grope-a-thons going on at the gates of many airports- including Lihu`e- when people refuse the new porno-scanners that bare all.

And how could you miss the story and accompanying viral video of the quote-of-the-year contending “if you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested” guy.

But while most are screaming “don’t molest me bro” we haven’t heard from those who pay good money for such services.

Apparently the TSA has sought to quell concerns by making sure that only males molest men and females grab women. But obviously that only works for straight people.

We’ve heard unconfirmed reports that if a gay man states that they don’t want have the family jewels “inspected” by another man they will provide a woman. And we presume, the same switcheroo is available to lesbians. Sounds only fair... until you start to think about it.

As we said, there are people who. well, get off on that sort of thing, providing an opportunity for a freebie every time they fly if they simply claim a different sexual preference.

But that raises the question of what to do with the bisexuals? Maybe they’ll have to haul out robots... although we have to ask what they’ll do about the cyber-sexuals.

What do they do about transvestites? Do they assign a groper based on their actual or assumed gender? What if they can’t really tell? Does that mean that only the ones who are really good transvestites can get an opposite gender inspector? Can they get felt up by just wearing falsies and shaving really well? And what if they’re gay or lesbian?

The possibilities boggle the mind.

And don’t even start to try to fathom the issues transsexuals present. It’s been hard enough for a sexually neurotic America to deal with the whole bathroom issue surrounding those who have undergone gender reassignment. Imagine how they’ll react to men who used to be women and vice versa, especially given the many permutations presented by gay and lesbian transsexuals.

And what about the poor inspectors now that people will be lining up in the hopes that this service will be provided for the price of a $49 Southwest Airlines ticket?

The only solution appears to be to “embrace the suck’ and provide a “win-win” for everyone by having the TSA go down to the red light district- usually conveniently located right near the airport- and give those in the sex trade a chance to go legit.

Of course this being America the TSA might even embrace this new business and even promote it. The President will announce it as a jobs program and we’ll soon be seeing ads with catchy jingles like “We put the T&A in the TSA.” or even a retro revival of the old ‘60’s “I’m Barbara- come fly me” ads.

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to “the friendly skies”.