THE OLD MAN IS REALLY SNORING

THE OLD MAN IS REALLY SNORING: The scene yesterday morning was no doubt repeated across the island.

The thunder woke both of you up early and now it’s raining so hard the noise won’t let you fall back asleep. But that’s okay because it’s been flooding for two days and it’s gonna take longer to get to work.

So she in the shower and he’s sitting on the throne... and the phone rings.

“Who could be calling at 7 a.m.- must be important” she thinks, grabbing a towel and dashing half-naked, dripping wet to the phone.

“WHO IS IT” he yells to be heard over the rain pounding on the roof.

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU” she says, “IT’S THE COUNTY- THEY’RE CALLING TO SAY IT’S RAINING REALLY HARD”

“WHAT- I CAN’T HEAR YOU- IT’S RAINING TOO HARD”

Yes we heard from many yesterday who acted out that or a similar little drama as the county’s Emergency Notification System made damn sure that if you were deaf and blind to what was going on out your window you would still to find out it was raining really hard outside... assuming, being deaf and blind, you knew the phone was ringing.

And each asked the same questions- “how do I make them stop calling me?”

This isn’t the first time the county has decided that people have a tough time observing the obvious and the worst part is that most of us didn’t even “sign up” for the calls.

When the system was initiated people were asked to register their phone numbers if they wanted to get a call. But then all of a sudden that mental midgets in the administration decided that we were all to stupid to do that on our own so they signed up the whole phone book.

So as a public service we went to the county web site to tell them to shove their... er, well, find out how we- ahem- “opt out.”

We should be so lucky.

If you go to the county’s home web page and scroll down you’ll see a little doo-dad that says

Sign up now
Notification Services by
Connect- CTY

Ah- that must be it. Sign in, sign out, right?

When you click it you get a page that says

Welcome to the Blackboard Connect® website for the County of KAUAI. Please enter your contact information here so local leadership may contact you with important messages in the public interest.

Underneath there’s a choice. The first says

Register as a Resident
I would like to register my contact information
Add My Contact Info

No, we want out, not in.

The second seemed appropriate:

Already Registered as a Resident
I would like to edit or delete my contact information
Edit or delete my info

Got it!

At that page you’re asked for your 10 digit phone number and your email address although you can check “I don’t have an email address.”

Getting closer.

When you do that and “sign in” if you’ve checked the “no email” box you’re asked for your house number and last name.

And when you do that try to “sign in” an ‘exclamation point box” come up and says “Your sign in information does not match with our records, please retry again.”

Although we should have known that those who didn’t voluntarily sign up wouldn’t be able to voluntarily sign out, it appears they’ve anticipated the futility of dealing with the county because, you’ll note, it doesn’t say “try again” it says “retry again” assuming that you’ve been trying over and over to no avail.

Kind of like “lather, rinse repeat,” in that it presumes you’re smart enough to know when to stop.

So next time your house is floating down the street or being blown away in a hurricane and the phone rings make sure you answer it. It’ll be Auntie Bernard’s weather report calling to remind you to wear your goulashes.

And just like with your real-life auntie, there’s no way to get out of hearing it.