Friday, December 7, 2012


EAT THEM UP, YUM: We who follow politics have, over the years, gleaned one irrefutable maxim- people are idiots who, with the right marketing, will vote for the now-proverbial turd sandwich as long as they can be convinced that the accompanying condiments are tasty and attractive.

Of course it isn't news to the advertising mavens who, through focus-grouped group-think have perfected "you must have this turd" messaging.


As many have heard, people are knocking down their grandmothers to get a cuppa "Black Ivory"- the $500 a pound, $50 cup coffee that has made it's way through the digestive track of Thai Elephants,

As an Associated Press article today says:

In the lush hills of northern Thailand, a herd of 20 elephants is excreting some of the world's most expensive coffee.

Trumpeted as earthy in flavor and smooth on the palate, the exotic new brew is made from beans eaten by Thai elephants and plucked a day later from their dung. A gut reaction inside the elephant creates what its founder calls the coffee's unique taste.

Stomach turning or oddly alluring, this is not just one of the world's most unusual specialty coffees. At $1,100 per kilogram ($500 per pound), it's also among the world's priciest.

Why do we suspect that this little scam didn't just emanate from a carefully cultivated ancient tribal recipe but rather a meeting in an American board room that might have gone something like this:

Jones: Well Johnson you really screwed us, didn't you
Johnson: Whaddaya mean?
Jones: That coffee plantation in Thailand you invested in turns out to be right in the middle of the protected habitat of herd of freakin' elephants- and guess what?.. THEY LOVE TO EAT COFFEE BEANS. Our whole plantation is wiped out.
Johnson: How was I gonna know?
Jones: Well it doesn't matter now- the question is what are we gonna do about it. Anyone got any ideas?
Smith: Well, labor is cheap over there- why don't we get the natives to pick the beans out of the elephant droppings.
Williams: Yeah great- I'm sure people will drink that... not.
Smith: Well we're the experts- if we can convince people to eat the some of the crap we feed them now surely we can convince people that it's just as good as regular coffee, although we might have to charge a little less...

But "charge a little less" is blasphemy among the flimflamming ad-men and women. It this isn't the first time around the blockheads for this crowd. They know that if consumers won't buy that new-fangled one-size-fits-all wrench for $5. It's not that it's too expensive- it's that it's too cheap. People think, "Oh- if it's only five bucks it must be a cheap piece of crap." But if you raise the price to a nice round... oh, let's say $19.95 (act now and we'll throw in the steak knives), you'll sell a million.

Naturally the solution to Dumbo Drip problem follows suit.

Williams: We'll never get anywhere charging less- but if we convince them that this is special dung from special elephants that yields special coffee-that it's not just the same but in fact makes Crappacino in the universe- we can charge $10 a cup.
Smith: Not enough...
Williams: 20? 30?.. how 'bout 50?
Jones: Bingo! You're a genius Williams. These are the same morons that put "W" in office and actually reelected him- they'll certainly pay a premium for cafe-au-shit if we tell them to.