Tuesday, July 1, 2008


HEY- THAT’S MY SACRED DOG DISH: After falling out of our chair this morning we got to thinking about the latest statement from developer Joe Brescia who still wants to put his house atop a kanaka graveyard despite a police warning that to do so would violate state anti-desecration laws.

The local paper reports that he told them:

“The law was obviously designed to punish those persons who desecrate burials without authorization.”

Sometimes there are so many different government departments, divisions and offices we can’t keep track of them all. And obviously we missed the one Brescia must be referring to.

We’re pretty sure never-say-die Brescia’s telephone call went something like this:

Hello, Office of Desecration Authorization and Permitting.

Yes I’d like to perform some desecration. Have I reached the right person?

You sure have. What can I help you defile today?

Well it seems like I have these old bones on my property and those jerks put them right where I want to put my obscenely obtrusive illegal vacation rental....

Are they Hawaiian bones?

Yes – they aren’t even white people!

Well nonetheless you have to have a permit to commit sacrilege in this state even against those godless Hawaiians. Now how many are buried there?

There’s at least 30 sets of them.

Oh. my- 30, eh. Well that means you will need a Comprehensive Desecration Permit and don’t qualify for the two-graves-or-less provisions where I could just issue you a Minor Insult Permit today. Now exactly how many people have had their sensibilities outraged?

Well, I’m not sure- there were at least a hundred protesters out there when I....

Hold it right there sir- do you have the names and contact information for those you want to offend?

Well, no but...

Well you must document the names of the persons you’d like to disrespect and provide us with the specific ways each would be likely to observe or discover your actions in order to get authorization to perform your sullying. That involves notifying the specific persons affronted and calculating the level of offensiveness each experienced so you can file your form FU-13 Defilement Filing.

File my defilement filing?...

Yes. Then of course you’ll be publishing your Public Notice of Intent to Desecrate and hold a public hearing....

Public hearing?...

Yes how else can the Desecration Commission tell whether it’s a true sacrilege or just an imposition upon the culture. Now how exactly do you plan to despoil these bones?

I just want to put a house on top of them.

Oh- a house, eh. Then you’ll need to fill out a special GH-100 Spiritual Retaliation Waiver form releasing the Commission of all future liability for ghostly events and apparitions - you know, night marching warriors, fireballs, crying aumakua- you probably know them better as specters, phantoms, poltergeists and the like. It’s all quite common....

Well it’s all quite daunting if you ask me but I suppose I’ve manipulated and paid off so many offices and officials that, well, what’s one more?

Fine sir- we’ll send you our 150 page pamphlet, “So you want to Desecrate Our Host Culture”. Where shall we send it?

Just address it to the biggest jerk in Wainiha. I’ll get it.

Are you sure? I hear there’s a lot of them lately?

Hey- I’ve fought hard for that title. If I know anything it’s how big an a-hole I am..

Very well sir- Is there anything else we can help you thumb your nose at today?

No, I’ve done enough damage for now.

Thank you sir and have a very blasphemous day.


Joan Conrow said...

Thanks for the laugh, Andy.

Anonymous said...

The state has set up a procedure for dealing with human remains. Someone who follows that procedure is "authorized" to do what the Burial Council authorizes them to do, and thus shouldn't be prosecuted. Putting it in terms you can understand, it's like the State giving you a license for Medical Marijuana, then arresting you for possession.