Wednesday, April 1, 2009



(PNN)-- April 1— LIHU`E--
More than ten thousand people on island of Kaua`i were indicted and arrested on racketeering charges today as a result of what the FBI called “the biggest corruption and fraud investigation in the bureau’s history.”

“We finally pulled the trigger and busted em all” said Special Agent Richard Stauber. “We were going to arrest just the mayor, his department heads, the county council and most business leaders but after extensive investigation we found complicity from almost every citizen on Kaua`i. most of whom knew about it all but “nevah like say nahting” .

“We busted the whole lot of ‘em with the exception of a few radical activists who turned in the rest and a handful of hippies living in Kalalau Valley and on Secret Beach along with some organic farmers who were blissfully ignorant of anything political.”

“I told ya so,” said news commentator and blogger Andy Parx who, in his daily on-line column, ratted out his neighbors and what he called “my good friends down at the county offices”.

“I knew the corruption ran deep but even I never knew the depth of the entrenched good old boy’s and girls network who either turned a blind eye or actively perpetuated the multitudinous revolving-door, pay-to-play scams, extortion rackets and kickback schemes” said Parx whose reports also served as grand jury evidence.

Standing before a 50 foot by fifty foot chart diagramming the connections between those arrested, Stauber, who spent years undercover disguised as “that funny foreign guy who harasses the county council”, explained how he “disappeared” a few years back after he had gathered enough evidence to start putting together the cases.

“I can’t believe they all fell for the German accent and the slightly off-kilter persona” he said. “It just goes to show the arrogance that made the case so easy.”

Since only one local attorney, Daniel Hempey wasn’t arrested he was appointed to defend those who are currently being held at Vidinha Stadium awaiting processing.

“I have little hope for the higher-ups but am considering pleading “plantation mentality” on the part of the regular working people who didn’t benefit from the system but who knew and were silent” he said.

The cases will be tried in federal court because there were no Kaua`i judges that escaped arrest either.

“Why me” asked Mayor Bernard Carvalho from the federal detention center in Honolulu where he and Council Chair Kaipo Asing are sharing a cell.

“I just got here and was just doing what mayors have done for years- hiring my friends and big campaign contributors for county jobs and looking the other way while everybody took their cut... as long as I got mine” said the 300 pound behemoth while downing a box of malasadas.

Also indicted but not arrested were former Mayor Bryan Baptiste who, it was revealed in the indictments, faked his death last year and escaped to somewhere in South America, shortly after being interrogated by the FBI.

Parx said he’s not surprised but is dismayed because now he won’t have endless daily material for his column.

“With all these guys finally off the streets, I got nothin’ in the immediate future. But I am confident that Kaua`i people will do what they’ve always done- elect some equally or even more corrupt politicians to take their places” he said.

Former Mayor Maryanne Kusaka and Police Chief Darryl Perry escaped arrest and are believed to be hold up in a secret love-nest/fortress in Koke`e where they are reportedly intent on setting up a government-in-exile.

State Department of Conservation and Enforcement officers are said to be closing in on them after the pair stumbled into DLNR’s meth lab in the Alaka`i swamp.

In other news today paramedics rushed to the offices of Governor Linda Lingle where she and Attorney General Mark Bennett were working on legal strategies for the ceded lands and Superferry cases. Efforts to remove their heads from their butts were as yet unsuccessful at press time.