Wednesday, October 29, 2008


RUNNIN’ WITH THE PACK: Buffoonery hit the heights and even took on new context at last nights televised mayoral debate between Bernard Carvalho and JoAnn Yukimura as Carvalho continued his vapid content-free quest to set his ample butt in the mayor’s chair.

It was a stumble-bum performance from the start as Bernard read an opening statement he certainly didn’t write, bungling his two minute address like he was reading a technical manual instead of the actual meaningless blather it was.

His insistence that he would “do the critical work that needs to be done” was, as usual devoid of any specifics with claims he “will be a good leader” because he knows “how to lead” and other such mindless drivel.

At the heart of Carvalho’s campaign is a penchant for saying nothing. He says he will lead by leading, do by doing, think by thinking, plan by planning and of course solve problems by solving problems.

But believe it or not it was actually more revealing than anyone thought possible when Bernard was allowed to ramble-on, impromptu.

“It’s all about relationships” says Carvalho over and over claiming he knows all the people who dug and filled the Kaua`i cesspool of governance and how he will rely on them to keep doing it.

Here’s how one Honolulu paper described Carvalho’s “position”

Carvalho touted his relationships with state officials, such as state Transportation Director Brennon Morioka and Department of Hawaiian Home Lands Director Micah Kane, as the way he would solve traffic problems.

"It's my duty and my responsibility to bring people together," he said.

"This election is not so much about what we have done in the past," Carvalho said in his closing remarks. "It's whether or not your mayor can lead you into new and uncharted territory with courage and confidence.

"You need to know that you have a seat at the table and your voice will be heard. You need to know your mayor embraces and values your opinion," Carvalho said.

This is apparently Carvalho’s theme – he’s been there and knows all the people who got us into this mess... and he intends to rely on them to keep things that way.

He says it loud and clear- I AM the entrenched old-boy network. Vote for me for more of the same corruption and incompetence you’ve come to abhor because since I haven’t got a mind of my own I’ll just let these bungling bozos and thieving thugs keep doing what they’re doing and actually help them do it..

It’s rare that a politician actually not just admits to being part of “the machine” but actually touts it as the only thing to recommend his candidacy.

But then no one ever accused Bernard of being a “deep thinker” as many satirically described his predecessor Bryan Baptiste after one of his aides portrayed him that way seriously.

But amidst the hilariously-unprepared, empty statements- we think he actually said “the future is ahead” at one point- Bernard defined himself as the anti vision, anti planning anti past-as-prologue candidate.

Carvalho criticized Yukimura for having a forethought for the future saying that "just looking to the issues of the past will not solve the problems of the future.".

Damn that planning- we just need to continue the absurd growth curve we’re on now until the traffic stops moving entirely.

Yes we’ll just stumble our way to the solution to all our problems- and we’ll burn the rest.

Burn? Well, the one actual “plan” he said he does support is one for the worst of all the ways to deal with out solid waste – a plan to build an incinerator, which is the major stumbling block in the current R.W. Beck solid waste plan before the council, as we described a couple of times earlier this year.

“We have a plan” he said urging everyone to just blindly follow it even though, as Yukimura pointed out, it has yet to become an approved plan.

While it’s been impossible to site a landfill, it will of course be even more impossible to site a soot and pollution spewing trash incinerator. But, as always, Bernard mindlessly thinks that he will simply talk to people and somehow magically they will all be happy to have one in their back yard.

“In order to do that, we need leaders with courage, leaders who can deliver results," Carvalho said "I know that I am that kind of leader." as the paper quote him as saying.

As we mentioned the other day this is seemingly the schizophrenic basis for his campaign. He will lead by asking people what they want and when they tell him he will do it.

Perhaps the concepts of “lead” and “follow “ aren’t well defined in Bernard’s mind- maybe he missed that day in kindergarten.

His self view is reminiscent of one of the leaders of the French Revolution who, upon learning that the revolution had begun, asked his aides to locate the massive crowds and find out where they were going and what they planned to do so he could go there and lead them.

Or maybe Carvalho’s candidacy brings to mind that scene in “Modern Times” where Charlie Chaplin gets a red stained rag stuck to his walking stick and, in waving it around over his head trying to get it off, stumbles his way to the head of a street parade of communists where they anoint him their leader as he leads them down the street waiving the banner of the Reds

Bernard has bumbled and stumbled into a position where, his total lack of acumen or even intellectual curiosity as to the specifics of the issues has combined with his one and only talent- spending a half hour to say nothing- have him poised for administration... the Kaua`i answer to the “everyman” candidate.

Bernard is just like the electorate- the typical uninformed, apathetic voter who has no idea how we got here, no idea or where to go but always has an opinion at the ready on “what they oughtta do”.. except for, in Bernard’s case, the part having an idea of what we oughtta do.

As a political commentator and attempted humorist we might just have a problem if JoAnn is elected. We might have to actually do a lot more research and investigation before critiquing her actions which, if not always well intentioned are at least well thought out and based on some understanding of the planning and other established processes.

The silver lining here at got windmills? is that if Bernard is elected our column might just write itself. His actions, like those of his predecessor, are bound to be so absurdly comical on their face that all we’ll have to do is pick the debacle of the day and describe it.

We’ll leave you with an appropriate theme song for Bernard

I want to grow up to be a politician

by Roger McGuinn and Jacques Levy

I want to grow up to be a politician
And take over this beautiful land

I want to grow up to be a politician
And be the old U.S. of A.'s number one man
I'll always be tough but I'll never be scary
I want to shoot guns or butter my bread
I'll work in the towns or conservate the prairies
And you can believe the future's ahead

I'll give the young the right to vote as soon as they mature
But spare the rod and spoil the child to help them feel secure
And if I win election day I might give you a job
I'll sign a bill to help the poor to show I'm not a snob

I'll open my door I'm charging no admission
And you can be sure I'll give you my hand
I want to grow up to be a politician
And take over this beautiful land I'll make you glad you got me in with everything I do
And I'll defend until the end the old red white and blue

I want to grow up to be a politician
And take over this beautiful land
And take over this beautiful land
And take over this beautiful land

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